About the year I was born, Paul McCartney and John Lennon wrote a song about relationships. "Try to see it my way, do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on? While you see it your way, run a risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone...Think of what you're saying, you can get it wrong and still you think that it's all right." BINGO - before marriage counseling was even an option - they found “We Can Work It Out!”

When I got married I thought the people stating how marriage is work were just "doing it wrong." I celebrated my twelfth year of marriage in June. After 12 years, I completely understand what these people meant by work. It seems that there are these certain topics that are just really difficult to discuss or resolve in a marriage. I see it one way and my husband, Matt, sees it from a totally different perspective (called the male perspective).

Matt started teaching the Couple Care workshops with me last month. These are 15 hour grant-subsidized workshops on couple communication.* I thought it would be beneficial to have couples in the class hear both the female and male perspective on the tools demonstrated in the workshop. Not only was it interesting, but something happened last Saturday that I really did not expect to happen. The guys in the workshop rallied together, like they were playing for their favorite NFL team, with Matt as their coach, to score a whole new understanding of how to express their feelings in order to work through conflicts. And believe me, it was a sight to see! What a breakthrough we witnessed!

Resolving conflicts in a marriage is much different than it is at work. In order for both parties to feel like they win, it takes a certain element of communication, that you don't learn “on the street”. Here are the five “text book” steps to resolving a conflict. You have probably seen these before.

• Decide on place, time, and issue
• Both people talk/listen
• Brainstorm new solutions
• Collaborate on one solution to try
• Acknowledge Progress and Follow up

This process works just fine, if you‘ve had a frontal lobotomy. But I understand they don‘t do those anymore! During conflict, I’ve got way too much emotion to step through those five sweet steps.

I’ve come to the conclusion that resolving conflicts IS the "work" in a marriage. It is really hard to do…really hard to do well! It is being committed to your investment and vow and following through on what it takes regardless of how you feel on a particular day.

This may mean that I must swallow my pride, stop being stubborn, and smile when my hormones are telling me otherwise. It may mean that I need to sleep on it, quit being right, get in his shoes, or drop it. The work isn’t to continue to belabor my point of view forever and ever. Yes, I do need to be heard. But after that, it’s time to move on.

Men’s work and women’s work in marriage are often very different. Somewhere in the evolution of man, women got emotions, and men learned to not show emotions. Go figure.