Most of us have established this year’s New Year’s Resolutions: Vitamins and something green every day, back into my high school size, work less, read to the kids every night, improve my swing. Hey, where’s the one about that other adult who lives in your house?

Remember Linda Ronstadt’s "Love is a rose, but you better not pick it?" Hang on Linda, you can PICK the rose, just FOCUS on the bush once it’s picked.

I could see how being married could be equated to a picked rose, I suppose. It looks and smells so splendid in the vase...for a while. You may say to yourself ‘I picked the right spouse, so why isn’t my marriage full of splendor anymore?’ I’m here to tell you, it’s not about the picking, it’s about the pruning. Again, I ask, what resolutions have you created around your marriage this year?

I can remember years and years of the same old argument with my husband. "Why am I always the one who has to..." - just fill in the blank, because I really thought I did it ALL! I had everyone convinced I did it all, too. All of my friends, siblings, coworkers. I was the master of making myself look good (Mrs. Right) and very convincing of where my spouse was coming up short. I had everyone believing me, except my dad, and of course, my husband.

A little background on my dad: He grew up picking cotton and has been married three hundred years to my mother. He would always take my husband’s side when I would phone him with my exploitation and martyrdom regarding my marriage.

"Ok, Carole," he would say, "you think you are giving 95 %. Well, give 110%."

‘Oh my gosh, what a dinosaur! Did he not hear me? Does he not understand the agonizing pain in which I am undoubtedly writhing given this brutality? We’re not on the farm anymore, Dad. He just doesn’t get it!’ I would think to myself.

Well he did get it. Boy did he ever get it. See, everyone thinks they’re the one giving more, doing it all, getting the short end of the stick. Just some of us are a little more vocal about it.

After seeing many many couples in counseling, I always get a glimpse of my "old" self in some of the exchanges between the partners. One person usually says how much they do (the martyr) and where the other one is coming up short. The silent partner usually waits until the loquacious victim has almost reached catharsis and then strikes with a few piercing yet deadly phrases and then recoils, leaving the victim stricken with the venomous words. Two questions I ask couples are: "When is the last time you acknowledged what your spouse DOES do? What are you getting out of your martyrdom?" There is usually a brief silence.

Now, don’t get me wrong. While the silent snake spouse may win the "Looking Good" contest (for this partner usually does not start an altercation, and says very little during it), this partner is just as much to blame for the lack of luster in the marriage. Regardless of your role, the only one you can work on is you. "What else can I do to make this marriage fabulous?" is your secret question to getting that spark back to a flame. If the snake and the martyr are both asking this question the magic and the splendor will return. You start.

Try adding a few of these resolutions to your list to help prune your marriage:

1. I will forgo being right and recognize my spouse’s viewpoint.

2. I will create a romantic evening one night a week to celebrate my marriage.

3. I will fold all the laundry and put it away even if I’m tired, just because.

4. I’ll happily "hold down the fort" while he/she gets some personal time.

5. I will give an extra 25% when I already think I’m giving 100%.

6. I will replace my complaint with a kiss.

The key to making your marriage incredible is you taking control and BEING an incredible spouse. When you have a problem with something in your marriage, ask yourself, "What can I do to make this situation better?" Sometimes the answer will be, "DROP IT!" Sometimes the answer will be, "Take a deep breath and do it myself, because I am the one who wants it done."