Who makes me feel the way I do?

Interpretation is the key

Have you ever stopped to think: "Who is responsible for my happiness?" A common answer for children or teens is "My mom! or My dad!". The sometimes hidden answer for couples is: "My Spouse!" I say "sometimes hidden" because an adult has absorbed enough information from society or talk shows to know that the "correct" answer is: "I am responsible for my own happiness." Yet, an adult in a relationship might have a recording that sounds something like: "If I am experiencing emptiness, boredom, loneliness, sadness, anger, or hurt, it is clearly there because my spouse is not fulfilling all/most/some of my needs."

Remember The Carpenter’s "I’m on the Top of the World!" hit? Hang on Karen, the explanation for why you were on the top of the world: "The love that I’ve found ever since you’ve been around" definitely does not match today’s views of how one achieves and remains happy. (I’m certain Dr. Phil would agree.) Had you lost love in your life and he found it for you? Come on Karen!

There is no denying that the months after I met my husband, I loved everyone and everything, including the pebbles on the ground and the worms in the dirt. That is the familiar "honeymoon phase" at work. But reality did set in and I was reacquainted with myself two to three years into the marriage. Once a person in a relationship is reacquainted with himself or herself, the nagging recording can begin to play. "I’m bored with this relationship. Therefore, she’s boring." "I’m empty and lonely in this marriage. Therefore he is not fulfilling my emotional needs."

It’s much easier to blame someone else for our lack of fulfillment. However, the answer to "Who makes me feel the way I do?" is: ME. Let’s back that up. I am in control of my thoughts, right? My thoughts create my feelings, right? Therefore, I generate and am 100% responsible for my feelings.

I often hear, "But aren’t my feelings real? I really do feel empty/bored/lonely/angry etc. in my relationship. I’m not making that up!".

Yes, however, where are your thoughts coming from that are generating those feelings? Again, the answer is you! And your thoughts come from how you interpret your life and the events that occur around you. Interpreting can be your enemy.

Try this: Replay a situation in your mind that is bothering you and determine what the facts were. Sort out what really took place and what words were actually spoken. Now look at the meaning you completely made up about those facts and words. Realize you could interpret those facts and events hundreds of different ways.

Everyone interprets what is happening to them all of the time. It would be hard to avoid. Just start to listen to yourself and become aware of the hundreds of interpretations that you are creating. Take a look at where these interpretations leave you. Do they leave you with a feeling of sadness or joy; hopelessness or excitement; hate or love; defeat or power? Remember, you get to choose which interpretation you select. Pick the one that gives you freedom, joy, and excitement. Since you are making it up anyway, you might as well choose the one that leaves you with a better outlook and happier mood.

Bottom line: When you catch yourself creatively making up the "whys" of a situation that happened - STOP! You are losing your energy and joy in life. At that point, hang up the phone on that conversation in your head and take the next call (thought) waiting.

Carole Groux has a Master’s of Counseling Degree and is in private practice with Family Psychology Associates. Email with thoughts or questions: cgroux@cox.net