When I was in college, I remember occasionally visiting my dad (who was an associate dean at the university I attended) in his office. Regardless of how busy he was or who else was waiting to see him, I was his priority. He would have me sit down in his office as he removed everything between us, almost as if those papers and folders would be barriers to his ability to listen to me. He would fold his hands together and place them on the newly cleared area of his big mahogany desk and say, “How’s my girl?” I can remember feeling like the queen of the campus during those visits. (This is in contrast to the horror I felt at other times when I was walking with friends on campus. There would be my dad, honking and waving in his pick-up. The truck would be filled with old appliances, lawn mowers, and junk from street-side trash piles he had collected for use in his workshop.)

Dad taught me many things, the least of which was how to find an old washing machine belt that still had “some good use to it”. Without doubt, the most useful thing I learned from him was how to really listen. This was something he did and still does for me every time we speak. What a tremendous gift!

I heard in a class once that the amount you listen will become obvious to you when you start to notice the amount to which you are really not listening. What? The point here is to start attending to when you are or are not tuned in to the person with whom you are speaking. You will find that you really are not paying attention a lot of the time, especially not with those who are closest to you. Below are some suggestions to help you use your Gift of Listening.

Become aware. Start to notice what you are thinking about when you are in conversation with someone. Are you wondering what you are going to say next? Are you personally critiquing their new hair style? Are you focusing on the frustrating event that happened two hours ago at work/school/home? Are you wondering what you are going to eat for dinner?

Turn off the noise. Once you recognize all of this “noise” in your mind, you can turn it off. Just stop doing it. It is helpful to rephrase and repeat what the person has just said to you. This forces you to, at the least, hear the words being stated. (It also assures the person that you are present to what he or she is saying.)

Ask the person questions. You will be amazed at what you will start to learn about this person. As you continue to probe into the subject of discussion with this person, he or she will start to express more and more. This is a wonderful phenomenon that occurs when a person feels heard.

Whether it is your child, spouse, relative, or friend, really hearing them when you are listening is the most priceless gift you can give. It might be your legacy.

Carole Groux has a Master of Counseling Degree and is in with Family Psychology Associates. Email with thoughts or questions: cgroux@cox.net