Energy and exits in marriage

Recently I was asked the following question: "Is it ok if my husband's best friend is a woman?" My automatic answer was...well I didn't have an automatic answer. I thought about the flip situation: "Is it ok if my wife's best friend is a man?" Hmmm... still a bit muddled. I finally decided the answer lies somewhere in the question: "Is this friend relationship sucking energy from the marriage and becoming a marital exit?"

In his book, "Getting the Love You Want," Harville Hendrix describes exits in a marriage as "ways you seek safety and need gratification and drain the energy away from your relationship."

When we are first married, we have very few exits. As time goes on, a couple must be intentional about NOT allowing the exits to take over their lives. Examples of exits are: golf, girls' nights, working at home (after work), drinking, reading, computer/internet use, garage tinkering, extended family events. And let's not leave out our kid exits like: Little League, Dance, Gymnastics, Karate, Music, and Scouting.

Now don't get me wrong, we all MUST have our own identity, friends, and hobbies and our kids benefit from extracurricular activities. It's only a threat to your marriage when that is ALL there is and you wake up to find your only together time is sleeping.

Some friends of mine that live down the street have a date night EVERY week. They wave as they go by all dressed up every Saturday evening. They both work full time and have three kids. They use Saturday night to "reconnect" during their busy lives. I admire them for that effort!

It's so sad to see divorcing couples and hear them say, "we just grew apart." Well, YEAH, of course you did, over the ten years of a marriage filled with nothing but exits. Where was the energy for the marriage? The energy went out the exits.

Take an inventory of your quality-together-time which your spouse and you share. Do you find a deficit? Do you enjoy spending time more with your best friend (whether male or female) over time with your spouse? If so, realign before it is too late.

Carole Groux has a Master’s of Counseling Degree and is in private practice with Family Psychology Associates. Email with thoughts or questions: cgroux@cox.net