Everyone gets angry. I really hate being angry, but what I hate even more is when someone is angry with me! Recently my sister got so mad at me. I could not believe how horrible it felt to have someone mad at me. I felt like a worm. How completely selfish I had been and she let me know it! I felt so horrible that I had done something that made her get as upset as she got. Then, when she kept being angry, I started to get mad at her. "Oh drop it!" I was thinking, "it wasn't that big of a deal." Later, after she was over it, I was still mad!

There is always another feeling underneath anger. Typically it is fear, resentment or hurt. In this case, hers was hurt, mine was resentment. When you can get in touch with one of these feelings and articulate the feeling instead of the anger, you are much more likely to communicate effectively. You are also much more likely to avoid getting that person mad back at you, causing an argument.

Arguments are not wrong to have, but when there is anger, you must be careful. Consider whether you are trying to control or connect. It is sometimes necessary to "talk it out" in order to connect again. If you find yourself attacking the other person, stop. Investigate what else might be under this anger. If you find it is fear, share that fear. You will see that there is a shift in your "argument". No one can argue with your feelings, remember that. The feelings are yours.

One last thought on anger and parenting. Avoid reacting out of anger with your children. Chances are you have a great reason to be upset. However, the moment you show anger to your children, they are reacting to your anger, not the thing that caused the anger. When anger is all around, they are more likely to justify why they did it in the first place.

How parents can parent through anger:

Avoid yelling, blaming, or setting "reactive" consequences

Cool down before you engage with your child

Make it clear that there will be a conversation or a consequence when you have calmed down

If there is not already an established consequence for the behavior, partner with the child to define one

Team together to work out how this can be avoided next time

Carole Groux has a Master’s of Counseling Degree and is in private practice with Family Psychology Associates. Email with thoughts or questions: cgroux@cox.net