I hear many times in couples’ counseling: "He doesn’t listen to me." or "She listens but doesn’t hear me."

I admit that I have accused my husband once or twice (wink) that he is not listening to what I’m saying. One day it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, I was not listening to him. Maybe I could ask him more probing questions. Maybe I could stop doing 100 things at a time and really hear what he is saying. Maybe then I would get more insight into his thoughts and feelings and better understand his complex world at work.

My husband is an Air Force fighter pilot instructor. While flying an F-16 at the speed of sound may seem interesting, his arrival home after work could be easily predicted. I’d throw him a child, light bulb, and wooden spoon with the affectionate greeting: "Grab her, change this, and stir the sauce, I’ve gotta’ go." Any wonder why communication ended there?

Sometimes, in a relationship, the time that it takes to get all the words out, get down to the feelings, do some processing, and feel like movement has occurred is just too exhausting. SO we say all the words and leave the rest up to our spouse to INTERPRET the feeling, do all of the processing, and reply with the perfect response that will renew our unending love. Somewhere in that fairy tale we need to add some basic tools of communication.

Communicating takes two people. Think through what you wish to communicate to your spouse and try putting it in the following format:

STEP 1 - Start with an "I" statement - Your thought expressed starting with the word "I". I statements are less threatening and allow the listener to hear what is being said without raising his or her defenses. Avoid the temptation to use the word "you" in your statement.

Good Example: "I think we need to spend more time together."

Bad Example: "I think you watch too much TV."

STEP 2 - Follow the "I" statement with your feeling. - Thoughts can be argued all day long. Feelings, however, are yours. You own them. Your feelings cannot be wrong. Here are some feeling words to help you out with this step: Valued • Elated • Nervous • Upset • Scared • Frustrated • Angry • Happy • Embarrassed • Powerful • Resentful • Excited • Worthless • Sad • Energetic • Lonely • Ecstatic

Good Example: "I feel sad because we are drifting apart."

Bad Example: "I feel like you are not communicating with me."

STEP 3 - Your Spouse Mirrors What You Say and Checks for Accuracy- Mirroring is like paraphrasing. The person mirroring uses his or her own words to describe what someone else has just said. Be careful not to parrot here by saying exactly, word for word, what was stated.

Good Example: "You think we should try to come up with some things to do together. You are feeling sad that we are starting to go our separate ways. Is that right?"

Bad Example: "You think we need to spend more time together because you are feeling sad because we are drifting apart. Right?"

STEP 4 - If Accurate - Switch and start back with Step 1. If your spouse paraphrased your thought and feeling accurately, then it is your spouse’s turn to communicate his or her thought and feeling on this subject back to you.

The next time you feel like your spouse is not listening to what you are trying to communicate, try using these steps to relay your thoughts and feelings. And ask yourself, am I listening or just talking.